There’s nothing quite like a trip to the cinema. You settle in, watch the curtains part, the house lights go down, screen lights come up, and you sit back to escape for a couple of hours, uninterrupted. That is, unless you’re in the vicinity of any of these.
The Fortune Teller
You’ll wish this genius had left their crystal ball at home as they insist on leaning in to whisper their predictions to you while you’re trying to concentrate on what’s actually happening.
They may have a diploma in Kirsten Dunst and a degree in Matt Damon, but you’re unlikely to want to hear about either once the curtains part. Probably not afterwards either if we’re honest.
“Who’s he?” “Why is she going in there?” “Why are they in the car?” “How are they going to get out?” “But I thought….”
You didn’t fork out what is frankly a sizeable portion of your hard earned just to hear their “humorous” take on proceedings, and yet…
More compere than companion, all this one is missing is an egg timer and a set of cue cards, with the worst variety even offering multiple choice answers. The star prize question is, why are they so intrigued by how much you know?
This heading is probably too generous in describing this individual. Popcorn? Nachos? Industrial quantities of pick ‘n’ mix? Vat of Coke? Check, check, check, check! You’ll struggle to hear a thing as they munch, slurp, crunch and rustle their way through 90 minutes as if they’ll never eat anything ever again.
Nothing is that funny. Nothing.
Know the tune? Good for you! Not for us.
Call Centre Guy
We’ve all experienced the temptation to have a sneaky look at our phones every now and again, and while the cinema mid-movie should surely be a no-no, it seldom is as people text, tweet, and even take calls – yes, I’ve seen this. With the distracting sea of lights, vibrating noises, and audible alerts, you’d be forgiven for thinking you’d entered a call centre with lighting issues. Not cool.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that a couple not in possession of their own place must be in want of somewhere to, well, take refuge. Usually, though not exclusively, found at the rear of the cinema, they are guaranteed to be a distraction and the target of some cold looks. Very cold.
By Emma Hynes